Fortune of the Day

In my life I have always searched for one thing…balance. The only time I can truly be stable and feel satisfied is when I feel a certain sense of balance in my life. It is true that I cannot stand when someone is mad at me or there are unanswered questions in my life. I cannot stand surprises or change. I was that kid that unwrapped and rewrapped Christmas presents because I simply cannot stand being surprised. Til this day my Mom does not wrap my presents, because it’s useless. At this point, I feel like I am at a point of balance. I have a job that I love waking up for in the morning, a job that I am surprised that the day is over at the end of everyday. I got offered a job that will just add to my happiness in the near future. In the professional world, my life is balanced.

There is a certain person in my life that is a constant sense of uncertainty. At this point, I know that I am a best friend to this person. I know that things are good between us, and believe me I know him so well I can tell when I am being bull-shitted and I am not anymore. I am content in the position that I am in. I tried going into a relationship where there were no strings attached. Ha ha this is like a fucking puppet show, way too many strings, too much baggage, too much history, too much emotion. This was the topic of discussion the other night and I basically said that I do have emotions. As much as I would love to be a complete guy, I am a girl and I do attach my emotion to the people I deeply care about, regardless if they deserve my dedication or not. I would like to believe I am a stone cold bitch that has had all emotion stomped out of me because of my life experience, but life has not completely killed the tiny heart I have, and it is much bigger than I ever expected it to be. I blame my mother. She has a heart that loves everyone and that has run off on me. I want to love everyone, I want to please everyone, and in that course I have become a person that everyone loves. Yet, I have a coarse outside that comes across very strongly and it takes a jackhammer to break through, but when that exterior is permeated the love that ensues is unconditional, unrivaled, and never ending.

Balanced is a good place.

We saw, we wanted

We touched, it haunted

The lies were too much to bear

We stopped, We kissed

I left, we missed

The need still lived there

You beckoned, I came

You lied, I blamed

The girl you put your heart in

It broke, you called

In bed, We solved

Or so we thought we did

You used, You lied

You watched, I cried

Then left without a care

The hurt, The pain

The healing, the gain

A new perspective to wear

You hurt, I quit

The sorrow, Your shit

Does not fit within me

I worry, I care

I cant, I swear

I have to let you be

The tendency, and nature, of most people is to move in a forward direction, to evolve, to mature. The problem is, there are some people that tend to move in circular pattern. The thing about it is, those people do not evolve, mature or change themselves for the better. When a person goes through a trial they tend to take what they learned, from failure or success, and that event alters the person they are slightly. Some people refuse to take the lessons they learn as an opportunity to grow as a person. I am stubborn, and have no problem admitting it, but I still am affected by my life experiences and internalize the lessons I learn from them. I find that I attach myself to people that are stuck in this circular pattern, like a wounded duck, I want to help them. The problem is, they are stuck and there is no amount of sanity, advice, love, caring, forgiveness, heartache, pain, suffering, or any other amount of intangible emotion that one can supply to a person that simply cannot change. Believe me, I have tried, and I ended up with two bottles of wine crying so hard my eyes were swollen for two days and my bleeding heart broken until it is healed by time. I tried to care away the circle, but believe me, after doing this to myself four times (circles remember) I found myself lying in my bed with no desire to move. It wasn’t so much the desire, but the will. Breaking my will is a very difficult task, and the fact that my soft spot landed on a person that habituates circles, manipulating and using people is a very nasty trick from the universe. The thing about circle people is they are harmful to others, but mostly themselves. They are stuck in a never ending pity party and set of habits that cause them pain which ensues the beginning again. I fell into a circle, deep into one. I dont care about people easily, nor do I forgive, but I continued to do so because… well, I dont know why. Maybe I am insane or a masochist. But nonetheless, I tried to break the circle with encouragement and hope. The thing is, I am a pessimist by nature, encouragement and hope dont come to me easily. So, this was quite a stretch for me. But, I did and it didn’t work. So, the damn glass is still half empty. The circles are gone now. I cut them out because I am a person that needs to move forward, evolve, and change. I was stuck in a constant loop, like the same bad song that is stuck on repeat and you cannot find the off button. I still care, I would be lying if I said I didn’t. Was I angry? Absolutely. But anger fades, and that is dangerous. Not remembering why you are angry at people, but also being able to hold anger within yourself. You have to find a balance. The anger faded. The hurt lingers. The worry and care are still there with no satisfaction. But the healing is in progress.

For some reason I am feeling an overwhelming sense of uncontrollable defeat. I feel stuck. I feel like I am trying to take steps forward, working my hardest, and it is as if my feet are nailed to the floor stunting any perpetual motion. I have never had trouble accomplishing the things I set my mind to doing. This is a completely new feeling to experience and it, for lack of better words, sucks. I have been interviewing for teaching positions and I walk out with my chest pumped out and my head held high. I feel great because I know I just gave 110% of my best efforts. I have a wonderful accomplished feeling in my mind and for once, in my pessimistic life, I feel confident. You see, I always feel confident in things I know I can accomplish. My work ethic has always been in over drive and I am not satisfied until I know I have given all I have. People complain that the standard of education has greatly decreased in this country and I have experienced first hand why.  I am an amazing teach, scoff if you will, I don’t give a damn. I know I’m awesome and I am not afraid to admit it. I have accomplished more things than the majority of those graduating with me and have a whole wealth of experience they cannot even image. But, first and foremost, I have always wanted to be a teacher. This is not my fallback for when I don’t actually accomplish the things I had intended to do in the first place. Yet, I am continually not getting a position because I don’t have a high enough connection. Are you kidding me? Would you want some moron that is a cousin of a cousin of the principal teaching your child as opposed to someone that has passion for teaching? This is obviously a rhetorical question because of course you don’t. The hypocrisy is completely unnerving to me.

Also, as simple as it may sound, I am watching all of my friends around me move to new apartments, houses or whatever. I just realized that my inside clock is going off and is used to moving at this time of the year. It is not so much that I desire to move, maybe a desire for a change in atmosphere, but just the feeling of being stuck is furthermore ingrained by this aspect.

I want to travel. I want to see new places and experience things in a different way that no one else has before. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I want to go back-packing through South America. I just want to feel like I am moving forward in my life as opposed to standing still and watching everything move past me.

I just really feel like I have paid my dues, I have worked my ass off every single day of my life and at some point, something has to give. I mean, why does every single piece of my life have to be in some sort of fucked up state of limbo that is increasingly desensitizing me to the simple joys of life. I used to enjoy a day off, but now I feel like I am being lazy and not doing what I am supposed to do to support my independence. At some point, something has to break through, or I feel like it is going to break me. Being strong is a relative term, and people can only hold on with one finger for so long. I don’t want to keep teetering on the edge of being completely neurotic and sometimes neurotic. I want to enjoy things again. I want to laugh unrestricted and without the whole world conspiring to stifle the sound. 

The funny thing is, I have had many of my friends come to me for advice in the past couple of weeks. I feel myself internalizing their problem and, so eloquently, conveying advice that has cause many of them to go into an introspective state where they reevaluate the situation in a completely different manner. This allows them to create a solution to a problem they though could not be solved. Even as I am speaking, I wonder where this gentle wisdom is flowing from. Like I have an untapped fountain of good advice that only flows when others are in need. Yet, when it comes to following my own advice or trying to tap into the wisdom, my fountain has run dry. At this point, I really feel like I need to find my introspective state, repair the damage, find the hope (if there is any left) and try to find my perpetual motion. That is, unless I can find someone else that has a wisdom fountain they would like to share.

Until then, I will be awaiting the decision from the school I interviewed with on Friday. If it is good news, maybe I can start moving forward. If it is bad news, hopefully there is another path. Regardless, I know I need to keep trying to pry the nails from my shoes and keep trying to move forward. One of the best pieces of advice I gave two weeks ago was to a friend that felt like a brick wall was slammed down in front of him every time he tried to do something for himself. I simply said, “Grab a hammer, and make those walls into your stepping stones.” If I hit a wall…I just have grab my hammer and let loose.

This one is kind of easy. I have eyes that change back and forth from green to blue. Also, my eyes are my favorite feature so I seem to single them out a lot. Sorry nose your cute too, but it’s all in the eyes for me.

“A chance meeting with a stranger will possibly change your life.” —Almighty Fortune Cookie

Funny story. Isn’t that weird? I feel like I always have to preface my funny stories with the phrase, “funny story.” Like I am warning people that in case they are trying to be miserable I am about to add a little comic relief. Anyway, funny story. I have a job interview on Friday and if I get the job I will have to become an adult on Monday. Over the weekend sporadic change, but it has to happen. So, in realizing this I decided to get completely out of control with good friends to celebrate my inability to get out of control on weeknights in the future. Insane logic, I know. So we pin point this random girl and start watching all the guys hit on her. It was like a telenovela. This this random chick starts singing in the bar. We’re drunk and think its kind of funny. She comes outside to smoke (where we are sitting) and 00 (he is so named because he had a jersey on with 00 as the number), starts yelling about this girl being the next American Idol. Naturally, all of us turn and ask whats going on. This girl had apparently tried out for American Idol and made it through the first 5 rounds or something ridiculous like that, and now she gets to try out for the “real” judges like we see on TV. She flew down here to stay with a person she barely knows and they dropped her off at the bar hoping should find a ride or drunkenly wander in the right direction. She wanted to celebrate…Hell I would too! So we all start talking and she tells us that, in flying here, the airline lost her luggage. So, she has been wearing a swimsuit and a cover up for 4 days now and did her audition in it. WTF, I just yelled girl come with us we will give you some clothes and then take you home. We look at the direction to where she was staying and lo and behold, it is a street over from where we live. It was fate. We provided American Idol with clothes, alcohol, getting kicked out of an apartment pool, whataburger and a ride home. She said that she would never forget our kindness. She was really drunk, so I am not relying on that million dollar thank you check, but hey you never know. So, hopefully you are on to something with this one Almighty Fortune Cookie.

“Your life will be prosperous if you use your creativity.”   —Almighty Fortune Cookie

Funny thing is I started this as a creative outlet annnnnd I already failed at writing consecutively like I had fully intended to. The thing is I get writers block pretty badly when I am content. It’s a double edged sword. I have to be miserable and at rock bottom to put beautiful words on a page. It has to do with the emotion. I have basically pour myself onto a page…guess I cant do that when there is nothing to pour. So basically the Almighty Fortune Cookie is saying, “Stop being content and get miserable again so you can be prosperous.” That’s crap fortune cookie…utter crap. You better not bring the downfall of my contentedness. I feel like I am in a good place right now. I mean its not the ideal place, but a place I have wanted to be for a while. I am a lot better than I was, that’s for sure.