In my life I have always searched for one thing…balance. The only time I can truly be stable and feel satisfied is when I feel a certain sense of balance in my life. It is true that I cannot stand when someone is mad at me or there are unanswered questions in my life. I cannot stand surprises or change. I was that kid that unwrapped and rewrapped Christmas presents because I simply cannot stand being surprised. Til this day my Mom does not wrap my presents, because it’s useless. At this point, I feel like I am at a point of balance. I have a job that I love waking up for in the morning, a job that I am surprised that the day is over at the end of everyday. I got offered a job that will just add to my happiness in the near future. In the professional world, my life is balanced.
There is a certain person in my life that is a constant sense of uncertainty. At this point, I know that I am a best friend to this person. I know that things are good between us, and believe me I know him so well I can tell when I am being bull-shitted and I am not anymore. I am content in the position that I am in. I tried going into a relationship where there were no strings attached. Ha ha this is like a fucking puppet show, way too many strings, too much baggage, too much history, too much emotion. This was the topic of discussion the other night and I basically said that I do have emotions. As much as I would love to be a complete guy, I am a girl and I do attach my emotion to the people I deeply care about, regardless if they deserve my dedication or not. I would like to believe I am a stone cold bitch that has had all emotion stomped out of me because of my life experience, but life has not completely killed the tiny heart I have, and it is much bigger than I ever expected it to be. I blame my mother. She has a heart that loves everyone and that has run off on me. I want to love everyone, I want to please everyone, and in that course I have become a person that everyone loves. Yet, I have a coarse outside that comes across very strongly and it takes a jackhammer to break through, but when that exterior is permeated the love that ensues is unconditional, unrivaled, and never ending.
Balanced is a good place.
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