Fortune of the Day

For some reason I am feeling an overwhelming sense of uncontrollable defeat. I feel stuck. I feel like I am trying to take steps forward, working my hardest, and it is as if my feet are nailed to the floor stunting any perpetual motion. I have never had trouble accomplishing the things I set my mind to doing. This is a completely new feeling to experience and it, for lack of better words, sucks. I have been interviewing for teaching positions and I walk out with my chest pumped out and my head held high. I feel great because I know I just gave 110% of my best efforts. I have a wonderful accomplished feeling in my mind and for once, in my pessimistic life, I feel confident. You see, I always feel confident in things I know I can accomplish. My work ethic has always been in over drive and I am not satisfied until I know I have given all I have. People complain that the standard of education has greatly decreased in this country and I have experienced first hand why.  I am an amazing teach, scoff if you will, I don’t give a damn. I know I’m awesome and I am not afraid to admit it. I have accomplished more things than the majority of those graduating with me and have a whole wealth of experience they cannot even image. But, first and foremost, I have always wanted to be a teacher. This is not my fallback for when I don’t actually accomplish the things I had intended to do in the first place. Yet, I am continually not getting a position because I don’t have a high enough connection. Are you kidding me? Would you want some moron that is a cousin of a cousin of the principal teaching your child as opposed to someone that has passion for teaching? This is obviously a rhetorical question because of course you don’t. The hypocrisy is completely unnerving to me.

Also, as simple as it may sound, I am watching all of my friends around me move to new apartments, houses or whatever. I just realized that my inside clock is going off and is used to moving at this time of the year. It is not so much that I desire to move, maybe a desire for a change in atmosphere, but just the feeling of being stuck is furthermore ingrained by this aspect.

I want to travel. I want to see new places and experience things in a different way that no one else has before. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I want to go back-packing through South America. I just want to feel like I am moving forward in my life as opposed to standing still and watching everything move past me.

I just really feel like I have paid my dues, I have worked my ass off every single day of my life and at some point, something has to give. I mean, why does every single piece of my life have to be in some sort of fucked up state of limbo that is increasingly desensitizing me to the simple joys of life. I used to enjoy a day off, but now I feel like I am being lazy and not doing what I am supposed to do to support my independence. At some point, something has to break through, or I feel like it is going to break me. Being strong is a relative term, and people can only hold on with one finger for so long. I don’t want to keep teetering on the edge of being completely neurotic and sometimes neurotic. I want to enjoy things again. I want to laugh unrestricted and without the whole world conspiring to stifle the sound. 

The funny thing is, I have had many of my friends come to me for advice in the past couple of weeks. I feel myself internalizing their problem and, so eloquently, conveying advice that has cause many of them to go into an introspective state where they reevaluate the situation in a completely different manner. This allows them to create a solution to a problem they though could not be solved. Even as I am speaking, I wonder where this gentle wisdom is flowing from. Like I have an untapped fountain of good advice that only flows when others are in need. Yet, when it comes to following my own advice or trying to tap into the wisdom, my fountain has run dry. At this point, I really feel like I need to find my introspective state, repair the damage, find the hope (if there is any left) and try to find my perpetual motion. That is, unless I can find someone else that has a wisdom fountain they would like to share.

Until then, I will be awaiting the decision from the school I interviewed with on Friday. If it is good news, maybe I can start moving forward. If it is bad news, hopefully there is another path. Regardless, I know I need to keep trying to pry the nails from my shoes and keep trying to move forward. One of the best pieces of advice I gave two weeks ago was to a friend that felt like a brick wall was slammed down in front of him every time he tried to do something for himself. I simply said, “Grab a hammer, and make those walls into your stepping stones.” If I hit a wall…I just have grab my hammer and let loose.